Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
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Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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