How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
