so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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