Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
