Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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