i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
