Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
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