At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
