You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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