at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
two words: eviction party
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
