Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He felt like a one man threesome
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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