Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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