Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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