I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
