I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
