He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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