I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I need water and some morals
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
