Your face is a jimmy john
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
