shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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