I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
