I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
