The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
