Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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