How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
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Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
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I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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