I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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