new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
