I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
