So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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