i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
