I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
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You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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