Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
