so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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