Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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