im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
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