Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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