so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
