Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
