Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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