In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
