the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
