Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
