When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
