i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
