i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
