I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
