btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
