this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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