Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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