Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
