It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
NoShamevember. You game?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
