After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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