my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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