i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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