Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
