Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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