I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
