So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
