I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
