explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
